A therapeutic reply

Got a mesage from a new friend - my reply became therapeutic!

my friends message:

"Hey bud,

So, you've been all over my mind tonight. Maybe I'm way off... but I've always thought the guy that goes out on a limb is way cooler than the one that stays quietly inside his box...

So here goes... I think I just kinda put all the pieces together. The song on your profile, the fact that you talk about Marcus ALL the time, the fact that 6 months or a year or whatever it is later meeting for a drink is still awkward and emotional.

Here's my two cents. I know you really loved him... but based on what you said you definitely dumped this guy for all the right reasons. Here's my thing though... you've already been hurt once (or twice or ten times whatever the case is)... really badly... you probably still are... so what's being hurt again? Honestly if your heart wants the guy back and your heads telling you no... I would tell you to go for it because maybe it works out. AND if it doesn't, are you really gonna be hurt much worse than you already are?? If anything I think it will be easier to break up with him after this break you guys took.

On the other hand, if you're really confident in your decision and you're just missing this guy cuz you miss having someone there... I would tell you to do the exact opposite. He's not worth fretting about... lol so why give him power over you by missing him??

I don't know if any of this made sense. Just wanted you to hear... lol I guess from someone that barely knows you... that you're an AWESOME guy (definately one of the coolest ones I've ever met) and fretting about Marcus either way is really a waste of your time because you're better than that....

Have a good night buddy!"

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My reply:

Thank god you're not one that stays quietly inside your box!

Thanks for the email. Very kind of you. I have to say I FUCKING HATE CONNEXION more than anything right now. I spent about 30 minutes replying to you, and hit send and the mother fucking system said there was a send error. When I hit back to try again, it had lost my entire message to you. I am so sick of that site! ANYWAY...

I guess I get the wonderful privilege of bleeding my heart out again! LOL Just kidding! Actually it was partially therapeutic writing back to you. The more I think through everything the better. In fact, I'm going to see my therapist on Monday for the first time in many months. I just feel I need to spend some time talking though everything that's happened over the last five months.

So to reply and answer (or explain) a bit of my situation, there's a few things you should know.

First off, I didn't "dump" Marcus. In fact, if anyone was "dumped" it was me. LOL But that's not the way it happened. He knew it didn't feel right anymore and there were some other things acting as the catalyst for this decision, but in the end we both agreed and mutually chose to end the relationship. We felt as if we held on much longer just because we loved each other, that eventually we'd resent each other for keeping one another from the other ambitions and passions we wished to pursue. He is 24 now and was going to Oxford and then possible the east coast for grad school and I was more stationary here in Denver. (However, ironic... that now that I'm single, I'm actually considering moving again. ha ha)

So when Marcus got back in town Friday and called me to grab a coffee or whatever, it was nice to hear from him and a shock cause I didn't know exactly which day he was coming back. But of course I went and met him and we grabbed a drink. I felt as thought I was a bit more reserved than usual. I'm not sure why, or how to explain it, but I'm sure it was just some unnecessary defense mechanism. Soon as I saw him, it was like seeing my brother or sister. It was like seeing someone that will always make me happy.

So yeah, I was a bit awkward as I mentioned, but he wasn't doing anything to make me feel this way. And even thought I love him very much, I don't think we'd be good for each other (dating-wise) right now or in the near future. So it's not like I long to have him back as a boyfriend, I'm just glad to have him back. He's my best friend, and I missed him dearly while he was in England.

The only thing that still has me messed up in the head is the fact that the reason we split up is in direct conflict with his (rather immediate) action of finding a new boyfriend soon as he got to England. I'll admit, I never got jealous or upset, but I'm still super confused. But when I logically look at the situation, I remind myself that it doesn't involve me anymore and that I should just be happy for him, if he's happy. Why we split up is based almost solely on the fact that Marcus was not able to grow as a person because he became so reliant on me. He would put me in a more dominate/decisive position in the relationship, having me make a lot of the decisions. He was comfortable... too comfortable! And in a sense, I was getting too comfortable too. I wasn't being ambitious about much, just stuck in a rut, and putting my relationship ahead of everything else.

Sure, there are/were probably many things we could do to work on not being comfortable and trying to be more independent in the relationship, but we had been trying for two plus years at that point. It was FAR from just throwing in the towel. We worked through everything.

Overall, Marcus was not comfortable in his own skin and needed some time with "just Marcus" to really get to know himself, and figure somethings out in his head. Completely understandable, right? So you can imagine my surprise when after only a few weeks of being in England he tells me about this boy he met named Harry, and now they're boyfriends. Not only that, but he's coming out to Denver at the end of August to visit. He's not sure why he's dating him, but he likes him. He knows this is not what he needs right now and he knows it goes against the main reason why WE split up, but he does so anyways. Sign of weakness, insecurity, dependency? Maybe. Probably. More than likely! However... it's now what makes him smile. It's now what makes Marcus happy, and truly what else is the purpose in life?

So as the "other brother" I promised Marcus I would be... I am glad for him. Marcus' experience in this physical life is going to be one of many surprises and MANY DRASTIC CHANGES. This I know, this he knows! I'm happy being there for him, supporting him and comforting him. I'm happy sharing any part of my experience with him as well.

I think far too many people have an overly complicated outlook on life and relationships, when in reality it's so simple and beautiful it humbles the most arrogant of us all. But most are arrogant (most religion is arrogant) and arrogance is ignorance; the antithesis of anything beautiful, in my opinion.

I'm beginning to ramble, but I guess in conclusion you can rest assured that I personally am very happy and enJOYing my experience over these last few months of being single. It's taken some getting used to, and there was an adjustment period, but it's great.

I feel we all free to choose to discover new avenues for our joy. In my joy I will grow; and in my growth I will add to the growth of All-That-Is (the Universe, God, each other). I will add to the growth of each one of us, to all of us... being happy and joyful contributes to the growth and prosperity of everyone. It's just one of my contributions! ;-) LOL